the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize