I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
