I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
