it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
