she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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