I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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