Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
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