Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
