Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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