weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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