Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
