Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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