She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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