he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
