It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
