I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
