"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize