and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize