I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
