Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
