I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
