I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
