I feel great
I just peed on a car
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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