i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
