Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
