I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
