Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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