you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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