I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
