Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
