the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Success! We fucked roommates!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
