My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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