when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This baby is an asshole
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
