Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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