god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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