Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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