am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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