the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize