there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
