At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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