____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
