i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
