Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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