When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
