Tell her she can't have a vagina
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
