I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The feeling are messing with the penis
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
