I am in a vortex of obligation.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
