Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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