Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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