I hate all girls vehemently.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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