dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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