I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
