so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
