she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
