I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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