her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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