i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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