your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
