Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
