I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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