He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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