I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
