i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
