redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
