Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
